Have a Phone Addiction? Use a Carrier Pigeon!

I wrote this almost a year ago, so why are you reading it just now? I submitted it to my editor
through, well, more feathered means.
In the last century, no one has switched carriers to the degree that I have. That’s right. I
swapped my smartphone for a carrier pigeon. His name is Earl, and that’s because he looks
exactly like an Earl.
Since I met Earl, I’ve felt as free as a pigeon. If people want to get ahold of me, they can only do
that through Earl—and my work phone. I asked around, but apparently “work pigeons” aren’t a
thing.
I’m sure you can relate when I say that I was just tired of everyone being able to reach me all of
the time. And, uh, yeah, I guess I’ve been pretty successful at fixing that. Honestly, this
experience has made me realize just how bad people are at responding.
Folks will ask me, “Why didn’t you wish me a happy birthday?” And I’m just like, “Have you tried
switching your phone off of silent mode?” Some people just can’t keep up with modern
technology these days.
There are really only a few drawbacks to using a pigeon phone. Not having my phone go off all
the time is awesome, but it would be cool if Earl only chirped when he actually had notifications
for me. One time, he just wouldn’t stop coo-cooing, even though he had no messages attached
to his leg. Let’s just say that the people in our movie theater were none too pleased with him.
But, all in all, Earl has been effective. When I sent him off with my tax return this spring, he
came back to me with a piece of bread in his mouth. That must be the IRS’s fun new way of
telling people that their bread (a.k.a. their tax refund) is on the way. Completely unrelated, when
Earl came back to me from the IRS, the color of his feathers changed. But that’s normal for
pigeons, right?
When you’re using a pigeon phone, you don’t have to constantly monitor your battery power. To
keep Earl running, all I usually do is feed him seeds. But when I need a fast charge, I feed him a
few of those potato chips he really likes. My research shows that Earl should be around for 3–4

years, which, if we’re being honest, is pretty darn good compared to the battery life expectancy
of phones these days.
At any rate, if you care to join me in breaking free, you know exactly how to send me fan mail
going forward. I look forward to meeting your pigeons.
Coo-coo to you,
Nils