Opening Pickle Jars

Tougher Than It Looks:

I’m at a loss for words at this point. I’ve hit the weights as hard as I possibly can, yet pickle jars
are still somehow impossible to twist open.
I understand certain things are designed to be difficult for the sake of a gag, such as Chinese
finger traps or playing the triangle. But there’s a difference between a prank that’s tasteful and
one you can’t even taste. You can at least open those prank cans of nuts that have fake snakes
flying out of them, even though the snakes inside of them don’t taste all that great, regardless of
how you cook them.
I honestly can’t even say that I like pickles that much. They’re okay, I guess. But the fact that
they’re such a difficult delicacy to obtain is what makes them so mouthwatering to me. I just
want them to be set free. This should come as no surprise to those of you who read my recent
poem, “Fly, Pickles, Fly.”
It actually wasn’t until recently that I tried a pickle for the first time. Have you ever seen
someone open a bottle of soda with a countertop, where they firmly slam their hand down on
the bottle cap to crack it open? I used that trick to open a pickle jar. And I guess the inside of
that jar was really pressurized, because it kinda sounded like glass shattered when I cracked it
open. Side note: those pickles were a little too crunchy for my liking.
I also recently ate a pickle at a restaurant for the first time. When a server at a newly opened
diner asked if I wanted a pickle with my sandwich, “HOW?! HOW DID YOU OPEN IT?!” is what I
yelled as I broke down to my knees and begged for answers.
While I don’t want to gatekeep the name of this diner from you, it’s the only nearby place I can
think of that makes pickles accessible. So, to prevent them from having a pickle shortage, giving
you a hint as to which diner this was is the most I can do: it’s the one that was in that recent
news story about the unnamed man who had a nervous breakdown when he heard they serve
pickles. I hope that man’s identity remains anonymous, because living a life of embarrassment
to that degree is something that absolutely no one deserves.
I’m actually not that worried for him though. It’s unlikely that anyone will figure out who the man
in that news story was, because the struggle of opening a pickle jar is something that most of us

have faced. Whenever I eat at that diner now, I can’t help but laugh to myself, thinking about the
evil forces who doubted that I’d ever manage to foil their cruel trick and taste a pickle.
But do you know what’s still frustrating about this sick joke? It’s that some of the public are
actually in on it. This goes deeper than I thought. One time, when I was visiting an older relative
of mine, she asked me if I could open a pickle jar for her. “Hah-hah. Nice try,” is what I said to
her, being a good sport about it. Not letting the joke end, she pretended to use elbow grease,
and quickly got the jar open. Those gag jars that are designed to open are so hard to find. To
this day, that relative won’t give me an honest answer for where she found hers.
Here’s to a future where every jar is openable,
Nils